2 Canadian Guys
Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.
"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."
"What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light."
"What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."
American in Mexico
There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of
walking around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, "Can
I rent a donkey?"
The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them asses.
This is the only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you
want to make him stop."
The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a
hotdog. The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we call
Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another
tourist and says "Will you hold my wiener whille I scratch my ass?"
Baseball for Scotsmen
A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new
country, and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run....run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands
up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run ya bahstard,
r-run will ya!"
A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased
with his knowledge of the game, screams, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run
The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a
walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!"
All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A
friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to
run, he got four balls."
The Scotsman yells even louder, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!"
A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to
alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.
He then orders three more, and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you
like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh
one as soon as you're low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in
Australia and one in England. We made a vow to each other that every
Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers
have three Guinness stouts too and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets
up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one
week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders
two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just
like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."
Cows In Government
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts
them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all
the cows. The government gives you as much milk they think you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them
and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for
by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the
government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as
much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what
you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to
milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours
the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms
accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Flies In The Beer
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a
pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies
buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his
fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it
Get Your Ire Up
Three Englishmen were getting soused in a pub, when they spotted an
Irishman sitting off in the corner. To have a little fun, one of them
"Did y'know that St. Patrick was a sissy?"
"Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye."
The man returned to his friends, complaining that it hadn't worked. The second decided to try.
"Did y'know that St. Patrick was a transvestite?"
"Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye."
The second man returned to his friends, amazed that it hadn't worked. The third man knew he had the solution.
"Did y'know that St. Patrick was an Englishman?"
"Oh, no. But that's what y'r friends hae been trying to tell me."
I Gonna Back to Italy
(Attention: This must be read with an Italian accent, preferably out loud.)
One day Ima gonna Malta to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go to eat
brekfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only
one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She says go to the toilet. I say
you no understand. I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better
not not piss on plate you sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the
bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock.
I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone does. I tella her you no
understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on
table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me a
sonna ma bitch. So I go to my room inna hotel, and there is no sheit. I
call the manager and tella him I wanna a sheit. He tella me go to the
toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you
better not piss on bed you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man
and he call me a sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at
the desk say: "Peace unto you" I say "Piss unto you too ya, sonna ma
bitch. I gonna back to Italy"
International Beer Syndrome
An insect falls into a mug of beer.
English Man: Throws his mug of bear on the floor and walks out.
American Man: Takes out the insect and drinks tbe beer.
Chinese Man: Eats the insect and throws the beer.
Indian Man: Sells the insect to the Chinese and the beer to the Englishman and buys himself a new mug of beer.
Pakistani Man: Accuses the Indian of throwing the insect into his mug,
relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and
takes a loan to buy another mug of beer.
Japanese Banking Disasters
According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of stopping. If anything, it's getting worse.
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing
that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some
of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!)
going for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office
staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is
something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may
get a raw deal.
Kilts Are Awesome
Why do scotsmen wear kilts?
Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away!